While Paul's main concern is his parents' living arrangement,
children of aging parents face many challenging topics
they need to discuss with them. Long-term care, estate
planning, giving up driving, grief, substance abuse,
end-of-life decisions, moving, retirement finances,
and what family members can be expected to participate
in caregiving are examples some hot-button issues.
How can your family discuss emotionally laden topics
and come to decisions about a loved one's future before
a crisis occurs? An important idea to hold onto when
exploring options related to loaded topics is that you
are doing it WITH the older adult, not FOR them. It's
a team effort that includes the right to disagree, even
if aged parents exercise veto power over the most well-intentioned
suggestions.
Some subjects are more challenging to open up, especially
end-of-life decisions, because death is often a "forbidden"
topic in our culture. Money is another, as many feel
that their financial lives are private territory that
only they can control. In fact, much of the difficulty
in discussing late life issues with elders stems from
the growing loss of control in their lives. It is slipping
from their grasp as their health fails and friends fade
away. Holding on more tightly to the way things are
is a common reaction.
Here are some suggestions for how to begin talking
about the hard issues:
- Pick a time and place free of noise and distraction
so older relatives can hear what you say and have
your undivided attention. Trying this at a holiday
gathering would be a poor choice.
- Don't go into it intent on resolution. You may need
several meetings on the same topic before elders have
processed the information and considered choices.
- Stick to one topic without bringing up past issues
and hurts. Remember to talk about the problems, not
the person or their shortcomings.
- Encourage conversation about the older person's
hopes and fears about the future, especially in end-of-life
discussions.
- Offer a helping hand rather than acting heavy-handed
in the conversation. Act more as a consultant, not
a dictator who knows what's best.
- Use "I" statements, that tell the other
person how you feel or how you see it, not how they
should see it. "I" statements lead to negotion,
while "you" statements sound like blaming
and can lead to battle.
It is important to begin dialogues with aging loved
ones before a crisis puts pressure on the discussion.
If you make a point of spending quality time together
that will pave the way for opening the more difficult
conversations. When you begin to talk with them speak
calmly and patiently, don't interrupt, and treat them
as experienced adults with the right to their own ideas
of what's best. Take some time to reminisce and include
humor.
When decisions are reached encourage loved ones to
put their wishes in writing, especially regarding end-of-life
concerns. Without legal written documentation, friends,
family or executors will not be able to guarantee that
the wishes will be followed.
When people feel listened to and understood, barriers
drop and tension recedes. Then everyone may see that
although they seem divided, they in fact want similar
things: what is best for those they love. If you reach
an impasse and continue to have concerns about safety
issues, you may want to seek assistance from somone
you both respect, such as a pastor, therapist or mediator.
Talk often, be persistent but gentle, and keep trying,
even when the door seems closed.
RESOURCES
Family Caregiver Mediation Project, Montpelier, VT
(800-820-0442).
Senior Help-Line (800-642-5119).
Council on Aging for Southeastern Vermont (802-885-2655)
provides copies of the Next Steps Guide and The Little
Legal Handbook for Older Vermonters.
Ask if your library can locate these books for you:
- Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain
of Our Elders, Mary Pipher, 2000.
- How to Say it to Seniors, David Solie, 2004.
