The death of a spouse ranks at the top of life's most
traumatic events for seniors. It brings with it not only
grief over the loss, but a double whammy of economic consequences.
Studies show that widows often experience an immediate
decline in income, which in turn impacts their standard
of living. Housing, medical care, food, social opportunities,
health and assistance with chores are all affected by
one's income.
Reduced finances and living alone can make the essential
elements for well-being more difficult to maintain.
For widowed men, the emotional challenges of living alone
after years of being "looked after" by a caring
mate can be painful. While women in general create webs
of social support throughout their lives, men of previous
generations often focused on jobs, career goals and non-group
activities. Faced with newly solitary home lives and lack
of social networks, bereaved men in general suffer more
from loneliness than from poverty.
Because many senior men lack self-care skills and the
burden of loneliness tends to socially isolate them, they
face different problems than their female counterparts.
Depression and declining health contribute to a death
rate among widowers that is much higher than their married
peers: six times higher from heart disease and ten times
higher from stroke.
Sally is fortunate to live in a small town that has a
strong advocacy network for its senior citizens. During
her first six months alone she attended a weekly bereavement
support group that she found out about through her senior
center when she called the Senior Help-Line.
"Right away I felt less vulnerable," reports
Sally. "The group supported me during my lowest moments
and I felt better able to cope because I knew I wasn't
totally alone. Those meetings were the highlight of my
week back then."
That was three years ago. While Sally has by no means
erased loneliness from her life, the support group helped
her through the critical period of deep grief and loss.
She gained feelings of hope and developed coping skills
that helped her maintain her sense of purpose and ability
to stay socially connected. In fact, the group itself
led to new social outlets that weren't in Sally's life
before.
In the AARP publication "On Being Alone: a Guide
for the Newly Widowed," there are eight points to
follow when faced with the death of a spouse. The short
version looks like this:
- Give yourself permission to mourn.
- Be aware that you may experience a range of emotions
(shock, numbness, anger, pain, yearning).
- With effort, you can and must overcome your grief,
but it cannot be rushed; only you can set the pace.
- When required, find the strength to take action, but
delay decisions that can be put off until you feel stronger.
- Work to tame your fears: though you may feel you are
losing control, you do have the ability to cope.
- In your own time and in your own way, say goodbye.
Memories are important but you cannot live in the past.
- Stress can ruin your health---work to maintain it
through proper diet, exercise and doctor visits.
- Consider employment, further education or volunteer
opportunities to enhance your skills, add to your income
and stay connected to the world around you.
While being newly widowed may feel like it is the end
of your world, it is not. Your world has been shaken and
deeply changed, and you will have to change along with
it. Sally looks back on her experience and says, "It
was the most painful time of my life. But I had to move
forward or sink. I chose to go on. Today I marvel to find
myself laughing and enjoying the life I have."
RESOURCES
- Council on Aging for Southeastern Vermont has case
managers that can provide help with medical bills following
the death of a spouse. Call the Senior Help-Line (800-642-
5119 or www.coasevt.org)
- AARP Widowed Persons Service (www.aarp.org
or 800-424-3410)
- Elderhostel (elderhostel.org
or 877-426-8056) can take you on learning vacations
where you travel and learn with other seniors.
- Springfield Hospital Bereavement Support Group (www.springfieldhospital.org)
- RSVP provides a way to be with people while helping
others
(802-885-2083 in Windsor County or 254-7515 in Windham
County).
